Sitting. waiting. wishing.
So this week has been a 💩ey one for me (also one of my fav emojis although I don’t really know why haha).
It's just been one of "those" weeks - I am sure you can relate. A flat tire because the road eroded after the rain and I hit it at the sweet spot 😂, a smashed window because of a stone and lawnmower, additional costs and a tinted window on my car that now doesn’t match any of the others after a four hour wait, to sum it up 🤭🤭.
As you can imagine at this point (since Monday and it’s only Thursday) - I am wondering if things could get any worse? Is there anything else to brace myself for? I had been annoyed but okay - UNTIL I had to drive with a smashed window to the glass shop. I called a friend to ask a big favour and burst into tears. And when I say burst, I ugly cried to the point where I couldn’t get words out. And had to tell myself to breathe. And while I needed the favour I realized how much more I just needed a safe ear to listen to my sobs. The minute she answered, I broke down. I continued to try and hold my tears down while sitting and waiting at the glass shop - wishing things could be different, easier somehow.
But then I read a quote by Dr Caroline Leaf: increased awareness will increase discomfort - but you have to have a breakdowns to have breakthroughs.
Read that again. You have to have breakdowns to have breakthroughs.
And yes, breakdowns can look like bursting into tears unexpectedly (wishing like crazy you could just be normal and stop those emotions), they can look like outbursts and backlashes, shouting and screaming, over-controlling, depending on how you respond this could look all kinds of crazy haha.
I love that Dr Leaf followed the quote with this caption: it’s in these moments...that we can empty out the old and ugly to make room for the new and healthy. Maybe that’s why it’s called ugly crying??? You not only look ugly but you empty out the ugly haha - I think I like that so I’m going to go with that from now 😂
I suppose I didn’t realize how much I needed to let go and just deal with what happened - as seemingly silly as it was. I felt disappointed and let down. And it always seems to come out of nowhere. Or at least feels that way! But I realize again, it’s another moment to surrender it all. And while that doesn’t seem deep. There is a depth to it. Throughout 2020 - I have realised that surrender is daily and sometimes hourly.
A little after my ridiculous breakdown I got a message with this - (thank God for great friends):
“GOD ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.
GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst.
Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way:”
Lamentations 3:22-33 MSG
So I’ll leave that with you and say: remember that ugly crying is okay. Having those moments of breakdown will help us ultimately to move forward. I love that that verse says - he works severely and ALSO works tenderly. What a word. Tenderly - with gentleness, kindness and affection.
I still grapple that this is God, his nature is gentle and he is gentle with me. Whatever you face as the year looms to an end, know that God works tenderly and his loyal love hasn't run out or dried up on you.