Can I be honest?
Updated: Dec 17, 2020
I know, a strange question to start with. But some of the things whirling around in my head require a level of honesty I am sometimes scared to unleash. That vulnerability that is below the surface. I've been home the past few days #covid - second wave full swing. And the more I spend time at home, the more I am left to recognise some of things that I try to avoid when I need to get up and go somewhere.
I love Christmas - it's festive, fun and really is a wonderful time of the year. But I find, that at this time of the year, my thoughts can fire in all directions and not always for good. Being at home sometimes ignites things, magnifies them and there is no way to try and drown them out, even with distraction. Maybe the title of this blog should be Christmas time, online dating and frozen eggs - haha - now if you are a male, I am sorry, what will proceed from here is complete honesty.
I'd say this whole thought spiral started when I went through that - "I am so fed up of being alone" moment. There was so much going on, so many uncontrollable things, that I just screamed at God one night. Like screamed - "I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER ME! Where I can feel safe. Someone to cry with (hopefully someone will be able to handle my teary self). I just want to know that there is someone beside me. I am tired God." - ever get to that place? It's pretty freeing actually - to be so honest with God, even in the ugliness. So on I went - let me see what this whole online dating thing is like - let me see where I can say heeeeey there - how you doin? But honestly it left me feeling more disappointed than ever and pretty hopeless. It got to the point where I actually deleted my profile and realised that trying online dating wasn't a good thing for me (not that I am against it - a lot of people I know met online and are happily married - it just didn't produce something good in me).
Followed by this - the gynaecologist shared with my MOTHER - that I should consider freezing my eggs. I am 31 after all. HOLD THE FREAK UP???? Like freeze my eggs? And no, not like in the freezer next to my ice tray. Imagine that - someone opens the freezer and I'm like, "yea the ice is just next to my eggs" hahah. No, I mean like you rent freezer space monthly in a lab where they store all your eggs and everyone else's. Rent that I definitely cannot afford - haha. Panic is slowly but surely setting in.
On top of all this I am getting tired as the year draws to a close. Frantically trying to finish work and write curriculum and and and. It piles on top of each other. And cue Christmas - the time to be with those you love - it just crushes my spirit. I see myself in the mirror and feel repulsed (yea I said it - I am just being honest) - I see the bits of weight I have picked up in 2020 despite exercise and and and. It's all SO much to swallow. I find myself wishing I could go back to last year. When I was so stressed and unwell that I couldn't even stomach food - but at least I "looked" skinny? At least I was small and beautiful.
How is that okay?
I am about to say how much I dislike myself when I hear God say: "you can't hate what I created. What I create is good".
And then....just like that, I break. I completely break down. Snot, tears and nothing I can do to hold it in. But it's all I have. All I have to give God in that moment. He is not scared of my emotion. He is not afraid of my realness. And He is everything I need. See, all that has been magnified is my need for HIM. My need to be in my safe place. The secret place. Where the world's voice is drowned out. Where beauty and success is defined differently. Where God reminds me who He is. And who I am. He doesn't point out the added weight, he doesn't remind me of the eggs that may need freezing, he doesn't remind me of my loneliness. He reminds me that it's better to be at the end of my rope. I love what Jaci Mun-Gavin says in her book Keep Hope Alive:
"I need to be grateful for EVERY win rather than disappointed by every limitation" I read that and it punched me in the gut. The thoughts that spiral highlight every limitation and disappointment. And when I allow them airtime, they take little roots and get comfortable. And I feed them. I know, while typing it's obvious I shouldn't feed them - but don't we all? We have the choice and at times I choose the wrong one.
BUT, there is God. The one who is beside me. Who cares for me and sees me. What I need is found completely in HIM! And were there wins amongst it all? There sure were. Bills got paid because people blessed me financially, I laid down online dating and it was good for my soul. I let go again of the what was for the joy of what is. And although I have never felt more like a work in progress, a slight wreck, my heart leaps in the presence of my saviour. He loves me - all of me - and he will never give up on me or YOU. I don't know where you find yourself this Christmas, maybe you feel disappointed, alone or feel like your beauty is slipping away - but know that God loves you. If nothing, this is the season to remember that. And he sees you.
Thinking of you this Christmas,