40 days to...(part 2)
Hellooooo - I know, it's been a minute! I haven't written a blog post in a while. Things have been rather crazy and busy and when it gets like that it's hard for me to sit and write (not that I think many of you were waiting for this post hahaha).
I wrote a post a little while ago about 40 days to...If you missed it, you can catch it here. Since that blog post 40 days came and went and I didn't take a moment to stop. I'll be honest, when it comes to co-owning a company it doesn't really feel like there are too many moments to completely stop. You don't really ever leave work, tap out, only to arrive back at work the next day. It's kind of like living with a constant to do list. And I hate not getting through my entire to do list. I hate knowing there are still things to be done. Although, on that point, a friend recently made a passing comment to me about the urgent and important and it's stuck with me. What is urgent and what is important?
See my 40 days reminder went off in a week where I was super sick. Untamed Creative Society had two big pitches the following week and it just didn't feel like the time to be sick (if there ever is a time haha). Most of the time I am okay when I sick - I'll push through and just get over it. But this time I just couldn't shake it. That flu (NO IT WASN'T THE RONA)...hit me hard and I began to realise it hit me hard because I was just so tired. I was pushing myself to get things done and my body tapped out. Ever had that? Where your body just gets to the point where it goes: "I don't think so, I am OUT!". Well that was my body.
Being sick forced me to stop or at least slow....and I realised that in those moments I felt sick and alone. Tired and stressed (knowing full well there was work to be done) and I started to slump into this insecure, tired, sad space. See, I find it hard to often tell people where I am at. I overthink what their response will be. How they will judge me. How they will think I am weak and should be able to deal with more. How they will tell me I can handle the extra load because I don't have kids. How are you struggling? I feel guilty for being sick and staying home (self imposed for sure). I feel insecure because everyone carries on as per usual and it reveals nobody really needed me to begin with. And so that destructive spiral goes. One, that although I realise, I still struggle to nail down and jump out of. However, one of those nights I ended up going to my nearest and dearest and that was a turnaround moment. Realising that just being around my people - lifted my spirits and was healing to my body and soul!
I think sometimes we forget that refreshment that can come with being around community. It can refresh our souls and realign our vision.
All that to say 40 days came and went. I didn't have this deep revelation in fact I felt distracted and like my mind was living with a thousand tabs open (still working on that). Flipping back to the 40 days....(a period of time that it took the disciples to comprehend Jesus)...it seemed to have flown by without much to show or reveal. I don't know if you have been there or are there now - but it sometimes feels like digging and getting nowhere.
I was expectant for those 40 days but I wasn't ready for them. I felt like a bit of a failure when I couldn't see what God had revealed. Was there even anything? And then I sat and started to look around...realising I was looking for results instead of relationship. I wanted the results more than I wanted to be with God - whether he revealed anything or not. I was treating our relationship like business. You get out what you put in....why would God reveal himself otherwise. But how wrong I was....
Looking around so many beautiful things were happening. A friend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, we celebrated my besties birthday - so grateful for the day she was born, we got some new business deals, and God reminded me again of a word He had spoken over our company. And to be honest, I looked back to that week and remember asking God for a word - something, anything. Only to awaken to a message from an old friend - encouraging me and reminding me that I am loved.
Sometimes I realise my need to dig deeper wells with the right heart and intention. And to not lose sight of relationship because I am looking for results, I suppose flowing into my other relationships too. And letting go of guilt and the high expectations I hold over myself. God doesn't hold me to those expectations and no one else is either, except me. So all that to say, whatever the situation or circumstance you find yourself in, I hope that you know that you are loved and although it may feel like the fog lifts and falls again - God is in the very thick of it with you!
Keep pressing in to deepen the wells and build the relationship and I am sure that looking back in the next 40 days, there'll be something to write about.