40 days to...
My blog posts have been a bit sporadic - I know. But I’ve been trying to write not just for the sake of it but when I really feel a
conviction that there is something to say. And while I sometimes write random stuff and am rather hilarious - if I do say so myself - I am depthy person by nature. I hate shallow conversations (I do not miss small talk 😂) and probably overthink some of the things I write too - anybody else? However, it's around midnight on a Saturday night and I can't sleep but felt like I had so much to write. So I just started writing.
I’ve really felt that in this season God has asked me to be obedient and to write (even though I don't really feel qualified to do it). But here I am, stumbling around topics, trying to make sense of things and attempting to bring you on the journey with me. It feels messy. But then God reminded me that he is the middle of the messiness.
I’ve realised I write that a lot. God reminded me. I had a realization. I had a moment. And while that does feel repetitive for me, I realized that that in itself is the goodness of God. Although I learn more about him, I can forget his faithfulness and love for me. Maybe you have days like that too?? I hate to admit it’s more often than I’d like it to be. But I love that God is still just as patient and kind towards me. HE STILL REMINDS ME.
I was reading in Acts recently - I love that book in the Bible. It’s miraculous and spirit filled and just the coolest kind of crazy. As I was reading it, one portion in the passion translation spoke about Jesus appearing to the disciplines at least 11 times over a period of 40 days. (Read it here) And there it was 40 days. A number I had seen a few times before in the bible - enough to know it was significant. And that passage had one of those fun footnotes. (A side note on that: I heard an incredible teacher say this recently: the best footnote for the Bible is the Bible - thanks George Crabb).
And so I couldn’t help but look down at the footnote and it said this: "The number forty is significant, for it speaks of transformation and completeness through testing. Jesus was tempted for forty days, the deluge during Noah’s day lasted forty days and nights, Moses met with God for forty days on Sinai, Israel wandered for forty years, and Elijah fasted for forty days. Jesus spent forty days appearing to his disciples to teach them that a day of completeness and transformation had arrived. It took them forty days to comprehend that Christ’s kingdom was spiritual, not political."
A period of time that it took them to comprehend...
And so I remember sitting in my bed and feeling somewhat challenged - so I took out my phone, counted 40 days and wrote this: What has God revealed?? What has taken you 40 days to see and comprehend?
It was something I noted, and wanted to be intentional about but to be honest a couple days after that it wasn’t even in my thought process. However, I am an avid journalist (no not like a journalist journalist - like I love to journal). And not like that dear diary kinda thing 😂 I love to write down conversations with God, prayers, things I’m trusting for, people I’m praying for, my frustrations, my failures and my hopes for the future. Mainly my day to day moments with Jesus. Pretty much if you read my journal you’ll see all sides to my relationship with God. But I have journals that I started labelling with dates so I can go back and read through the stories of God’s goodness and to see my journey unfold!
Anywho, I carried on, until during this week I got reminder. 40 days had passed. I thought to myself - WOW - that was a whole bunch quicker that I thought! And so I sat down and asked myself that same question: What has God revealed?? What has taken you 40 days to see and comprehend?
And you know what. It was simply this: God is faithful.
Did he come through? Yes. Was it in my time? No. Did he provide? Yes. Was he silent at times? Yes. Is there a grace for this season? Yes. Is it a wasted season? No.
God pulled me to this sweet moment where he said: be silent and stop your striving. I have this constant need to prove myself. To make right for my wrongs. To go through the deserved punishment. To earn his love and to prove to others I’m worthy of love. It’s counter gospel - I get it - but it’s my wrestle. And in one moment God whispers to me:
Surrender your anxiety! [Relax!]
Be silent and stop your striving and you will see that I am God. I am the God above all the nations,
and I will be exalted throughout the whole earth.
And while I initially felt somewhat ashamed - like that is the depth of my revelation? I'll tell that to people and they'll be like, so? You only realised that now? But you know what, I hope I keep realising it. I hope I continue to see God's faithfulness and stand in awe of Him and that each time, I would enter a deeper level of trust.
And so I feel challenged to train myself to do just that! God is faithful. He promises to be and He is - even if it looks nothing like we imagine it to!
So as I sat in awe of what God had done in 40 days. I gently pulled out my calendar and counted 40 days to see what God would reveal next! Why not try it friend? You never know what God could do!